The difference between my father and ex-boyfriend? Nothing.

Both don't give 2 flying shits about me, both don't love me, both abandoned me, both don't help me out when I need them, both are heartless jerks, both didn't say happy birthday, both promise BS and lie, both have no patience for me, both take my kindness and treat it like rotten garbage, both are selfish, both pretend I've never existed.

I hate this life, I mean it with full, cold sincerity.

I absolutely love and adore my boyfriend to smithereens! I cannot wait to see him in a few...

I listen to music almost everyday. I used to listen to it literally every single day. Once I became busy with working or school, I found myself not listening to music as much as I used to. Today, I listen to so much music and it truly made me happy.

When I was 15, I listened to music non-stop and had nothing to worry about. I didn't work. I didn't even do homework at home. I did it at school, and even then I'd listen to my cd player or iPod (when I got one in 11th grade).

Today made me feel like that again. The only thing is I have work in 35 minutes and I'm dreading it. I wish I could be a kid again even though I still am. I wish I didn't have to worry about money, which I'm always worried about. I shouldn't have to stress on work, but having shitty managers that give you shitty schedules kind of makes you do that. I have money problems, but I refuse to stop going to far away shows because of that.

Well, this is life. I'm dealing with it.

The job and the bills and the debt that just keeps building up, can’t control you.
The money we chase and all the things that we keep buying up, they don’t own you.
The choices we make to find the status we crave, they can’t change you.
And all the things in our lives meant to keep us in line.
Well they can’t break you if you bring it to life.

I just finished reading Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs. It is her autobiography. I am still in awe of the life she had to endure for such a long time. She is right, I don't know what being a slave is truly like until I experience it. So, I will say I have semi-empathy for her. I think this is one of the only, maybe the second book that made me cry while reading it.

Last night, I finally got my first tattoo finished. I am so happy with it and I absolutely love it! I might post pictures, if I feel like it.

So I've finally regained my strength and now I can actually write a journal entry.

Two Tuesdays ago, I stayed at Walter's house until Friday which is the day we left for Rivalry. I'm just going to go straight to the point- I love Betrayed. I love that band so much. I can't believe such a seemingly simple (when it's really not) thing starting from people, and then starting a band, then creating music and lyrics, playing shows, pulling out music, can have such an amazing impact on someone. I cannot see myself not singing the fuck out of my heart when I'm 23 or 30 at a show. For some people, it's different. For me, it's not. If it weren't for not caring, I don't know how I'll be. I suppose not caring has a big part on why I do the things I do such as picking my nose in front of people, not conforming to being "lady-like," and at shows- I really do not care about anything outside of it.

My lady supervisor said "I don't give a fuck, people need to live." I agreed and said people need to keep their sanity especially working in a place like this. Hardcore shows are and always will be the only place I can keep my sanity.

I am so tired. I worked today, and the past 2 days. It was tiring, but thankfully I won't have work for the next 5 days. Yay!

On Friday, I went to the DTN/Cruel Hand show. It was alot of fun. The Mongoloids aren't appealing to me, musically and vocally, can't say lyrically because I've never read their lyrics. There was this one band called All Your Might, I didn't like them musically, but I actually thought that girl sang pretty ok and could have done without the other second guy singer because he sucked.

I hate leaving home, I get home sick easily, but tomorrow I won't be coming home until Sunday. I am quite saddened. But on the bright side, 2 amazing shows and then Rivalry this week! I'm excited! I hope I don't spend too much money. Probably not going to buy any merch.

Anyways, useless post, kind of. I'm super tired. I'm going to go dye my hair then chill on my bed. L8!

Today is going to be somewhat annoying. I have work in 40 minutes or something like that and when I come home I have homework. I also need to clean my room; at least my desk is clean.

I forgot it was President's Day, so I think I get paid a bit more? There's no class today (I don't have class on Mondays anyways) and some stores are closed and my mom ain't at work, so that must be a sign that I will get paid more today. Yay!

I have class tomorrow, but then afterwards Walter and I are going to Buffalo Exchange and hopefully getting some vegan cupcakes.

I printed some global warming handouts and brochures and I will be making copies of them at Staples or something (oh yeah that's where I have to go) and they will be sitting around Rotting Out or Soul Control's merchandise table. I don't really care if no one picks it up, but there will be that 1 person that does. I do care however, if someone throws the shit away because I am spending my fucking money on it. I will make that clear at the table.

Next week is Rivalry! Fucking stoked! Gotta go wash up, L8!

Yesterday was actually my first day taking Women in American Culture. I listened to the professor the entire fucking time. It was that interesting. I'm so happy I dropped Urban Studies for this class. I'm really excited. We were learning about the Native Americans; I couldn't believe what an "awesome" lifestyle they had, for both men and women. Too bad when the Europeans came, they fucked everything up, pretty much. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, though. So, I guess that's the only good thing, right?

Walter and I exchanged cards. I cried. Honestly, that was the first time he's ever given me a card or wrote anything like that to me. I loved it, and I think it's the best gift he's ever given me besides paying for my plane ticket last year to Guns Up's last show and taking me to SD for our 1 year anniversary. Anyways, after that we went to Native Foods. They had vegan cupcakes! I fucking didn't give a shit about the price, it was 4.50 each, I bought two for me and Walter. So sweet and delicious! I want more cupcakes! Anyways, Walter had a spicy patty burger and I had "save the chicken" wings and chili "cheese" fries. I couldn't finish, so he helped me :] After dinner we walked around Westwood and went to Buffalo Exchange, Aah's, and Urban Outfitters (Walter stayed at the books section). We both were going to buy something at Buffalo Exchange, but when we came back, the store was closed. After that, we went to my house and watched The Notebook and some pornography.

Today I gathered so much shit that I just don't wear, use, or need and I'm going to take it to the Buffalo Exchange and use the money for my car. I have a bunch of jeans, skirts, shirts, tank tops, purses/bags, accessories, dresses, and shoes. I'm pretty stoked on that!

Anyways, I have some shit to do... L8!

I started school again yesterday and it was pretty swell, if you may. My first class was Intro to Urban Studies, which I ended up dropping later that day and now I'm taking Women in American Culture. I really don't care about Urban Studies or cities. My Human Geography class seemed okay; I drifted off for like 5 minutes during his talking. My Stats class seems alright as well, if I study and do my homework. So, I really need to "put my mind to it" this semester. I am aiming at all A's after all. Lastly, I'm taking stupid Counseling 20, which is just a bullshit class. Overall, I'm pretty excited to learn.

I enrolled in Aetna health insurance, a company that is part of my job's caremark thing whatever shit I don't care about. But I do care about having insurance, and the bottom line is I need it. It'll cost roughly around 88-90 dollars per month. Pretty fucking good deal if you ask me. I'm so glad my father is willing to paying for it, after all he has nothing else to give me besides that.

I printed a bunch of coupons today because I was inspired by an Indian couple that came into my work who used about 4 coupons (some manufacturer coupons and some our store's coupons) and ended up paying about 2 dollars for about 15 items. I really wish I had enough time on my hands to go search and look for shit like that. It's awesome, in my opinion, and also cheap, but who the fuck cares? It's there, so why not take advantage of it?

Tomorrow is Valentine's day. I dislike many holidays, including this one, but I also like it for a very personal reason, wink wink. I've never watched The Notebook with Walter, and I've made him promise me for awhile that we will watch it together on V-Day. Cheesy and fucking lame, but I don't give a shit. He doesn't like the movie, but is willing to watch it with me because of the so called "special" day. I wanted to make spaghetti tomorrow, but we ate that yesterday therefore we'll probably eat burritos. Yummy!

I love Walter Delgado more than anything. I hate arguing and fighting with him. It hurts the both of us. I wish it would stop, but that is nonexistent. I'm so happy that despite everything we've gone through which most couples would probably break up over, we are still together and alive, and if it weren't for our love being so strong, we might not be how we are or even together. I love you Walter Delgado.

I didn't mean that last post and I didn't mean what I said today.

What's wrong with me? I don't think there's anything wrong with me, not one bit.

This is the first in my life when I actually meant what I said to you today. Goodbye.

I am pretty fucking stoked, only because this is a Hello Kitty credit card.

Chinese New Year was alright. The vegan dumplings were so delicious! Walter ate so much of them. I actually received two hong bao (red bags) and Walter got one too! He felt weird about it, like he shouldn't have gotten one, haha.

School starts on Tuesday. I hate waking up so early. I really enjoyed my winter break sleeping for 12 hours almost everyday kind of. Oh well...

I have work tomorrow, bummer. I feel like drinking some coffee with vanilla soy milk, yummy, but I'll have that in the morning.

L8!

I am currently writing my concert report which has to be 3 pages and is due at SMC tomorrow by 2 PM. Annoying! I'm pretty stoked that I'm not taking an English class next semester, but in the summer. So, I can focus on only one difficult class: statistics. So yay no writing for 4 months!

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year. My family is making vegan dumplings this year, for obvious reasons. Last year, we had chicken dumplings. That's probably another food I'm going to miss: my mother's homemade chicken dumplings. But, I have a feeling these vegan dumplings will be delicious. Inside the dumplings are mushrooms, veggies, tofu, and mock chicken. Yummerz! Walter of course is coming over and yeah. I already received my red-bags this year, so I won't be getting any tomorrow.

I've been waiting for my Hello Kitty credit card for over a week! When is it going to come? It's already showing on my online-banking. By the way, the reason why I'm getting a credit card is because I want to start building credit. I'm still going to keep my debit, that way I can take out money from there and transfer it to my credit card online to pay for whatever credit card payments I have. Cool man!

Speaking of money, I am pretty damn stoked on not having to spend money on gasoline, at least for awhile. But, I do miss driving to whatever places I want to go, and whenever I want to. Oh well...

Gotta get back to doing my report, L8!

My stomach really isn't feeling good right now. I do not know why. It's annoying me because Walter will be here at mid-night with burritos and I cannot enjoy my favorite food with my stomach feeling like this!

Anyways, just got back from the library and Trader Joes'. Someone at Trader Joes' was like "Trader Joes' is like the cheap Whole Foods!" and I completely agree. God fucking damn, praise Trader Joes' for being a decent/cheap marketplace for vegan shit! I got soy yogurt, vegan patties, marinara sauce, burger buns, onion bagels, luna bars, dark chocolate bar, and this new Trader Joes' product which is mini soy chocolate sandwich bars. Yummy!

Anywho, gonna go take a bath now, L8!

I hate sleeping on bands. Pulling Teeth is so fucking good! I think they're playing at the chateau soon? Not sure, but if they are... I'm stoked!

I don't know what I like better: this blogspot thing or livejournal. I've been using livejournal since 9th grade, weird.

Updates on my sexist son of a bitch manager, well he's getting moved to another store. I complained about him to his boss and I'm happy about that. The new manager comes in tomorrow and I will tell him how I've been mistreated for a month and tell him to give me the hours I acquire since I have seniority over 4 employees who get more hours than me and are all men. God fucking damn!

We went to the Toyota dealer yesterday, and they only have 3 corollas left. None that I want because I need a car with anti-brake system. We did found out that the new 2009 corollas have that and we went to take a look at it. Completely different from the old corollas, and it's alot bigger, and not to mention pretty-looking. But I'm going to wait and save more money. By the way, I got 1000 dollars each from my Grandmother, Uncle, Mother, and Walter... and I had 1000 dollars myself, so I was going to put down 5000 dollars for this new car, but now I don't have to stress so much. My mother and Walter are going to take me to school next semester, which I don't mind at all. I would've freaked taking my "brand new" 2009 corolla to school seeing how every single time I go to school, I witness a stupid little car accident. And not to mention, some idiot scratched my car because NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FUCKING PARK! GOD! FUCK! I hate stupid fucking drivers. I guess I'm one too now, since Walter and I got into one because of an argument.

Anywho, I have work today at 4:30, closing and doing planograms. Fucking idiot.

L8!

This entire month was incredible, except for that thing. That thing is Walter and I getting into a car accident 3 weeks ago.

So January rolls around, I go to Boston to see Walter and the HH, DTN, WUC show, oh and eat delicious vegan food.

We come back, have amazing yummy burritos non-stop for awhile, then we celebrate our 2 year anniversary at Disneyland acting like children again.

The next day is the Bane, Outbreak, Trash Talk show--- which might I say was fucking amazing! My stage dive attempts kinda failed because I was trying something "new." Whatever that fucking means...

Anywho, that night we argue over the most stupid reason ever! Mind you, my hormones were acting up as well due to... well ya know... and he was furious as well, I turn the wheel, he turns the other way, my car spins around in a circle, then hits the center divider, oh this all happens on the freeway too, and we somehow went to the side of the road, thankfully, and safely. My car is totaled and no more. I am incredibly sad because I've spent so many good and amazing memories with that car.

Oh, might I also add that we haven't fought like that in so long, and this time it ended up in such travesty for my car. We are so grateful to be alive and are still able to live our lives together and have a future together.

I was depressed for a couple days, which totally and surprisingly ruined my plans on going to the Bane, Outbreak, Trash Talk shows both nights at Che Cafe. I was so god damn fucking excited! I even called in sick just so I can go. But, for some reason, at 5:00 PM exactly, the time in which we were supposed to leave to go to SD, I broke down and couldn't go anymore. I didn't know what in the fucking world was wrong with me. I wanted to go to the fucking show, but I couldn't. I was so sad. I felt like I truly experienced sadness. Walter didn't really help either, until later on when his mom started talking about how women are more emotional because he didn't feel a thing. Well for starters, it wasn't his car. But that wasn't really what I was depressed about, but it's part of it. I just kept thinking about everything that happened right before the accident. The stupid argument. So it's both my car and the stupid argument.

I decided to skip next semester and work full-time to pay for a new car, but graduating a year later isn't what I want. Not because I'd be behind, because I won't, many people go to college later on in their lives. I just didn't feel right about it. I had everything planned and I didn't want a car to get in the way of it. So, I am going to school still, full-time. But working part-time, just a bit more hours.
All the money I save, no more because they are going to a car. I obviously won't be able to finish my tattoo ever! Fuck. I need to save a little for Rivalry and save for a plane ticket in August. And! I have to pay for a new car and my own insurance. Thankfully, Walter is going to help me.

I have alot more I'd like to write, such as my sexist son of a bitch manager and all. I'll be reporting him tomorrow by the way.

"I'll be here tomorrow, I'll be here next year, just like this X on the back of my hand, not going nowhere."
Felt like saying that because it was amazing when they opened up with that song...